


Duende

by iamhappydoodah



Category: EXO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Character Death, Depression, M/M, Self-Hatred, baby!tao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:59:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9088060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamhappydoodah/pseuds/iamhappydoodah
Summary: noun. the power to attract through personal magnetism and charm_______  in which kim jongin is a dancer that loses the ability to walk and lu han is his therapist that shows him that the world is still worth living in





	1. Chapter 1

Backstage, Kim Jongin is a mess. He's on in ten, but his hair and makeup is barely done. He's trying furtively to button and zip up his clothes as his assistants gel his hair and paint his face. It's a hurried few minutes, but Jongin's masterful makeup artists get the job done in time and he's left with a few minutes to run over the choreo with his fellow dancers.

"Who's on the left? Who's on the left?" he asks as the dancers organize themselves and hum the song they'll be performing as they wait impatiently for the opening performance to end.

Jongin feels a warm hand on his shoulder. He turns around crossly, wondering what else would possibly need to be said. He sees Jung Hoseok, the only dancer on the team that is the same age as him, smiling patiently.

"We've been practicing for ages, Jongin. We know what we're doing. Now, how do you feel?"

Jongin takes a deep breath in, then out, calming himself and relaxing his body. It was a hurried few minutes, but now he's ready.

"I feel awesome. I got this." He shrugs Hoseok's hand off, because it's been there too long and Hoseok's boyfriend is in the audience. "We got this, everyone!" He shouts to his crew. They smile and seem all the more relaxed. Jongin is grateful to Hoseok, because this isn't the first time he's proved to be a happy virus for all.

"We got this." Jongin finds him repeating those hopeful words to himself. He clenches his fist tightly and closes his eyes for a few moments. None of his dancers question it. They know why he needs to do this.

When Jongin opens his eyes, it's time to shine.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Backstage, Jongin was a mess. Onstage, he is perfect. Onstage, he is not Jongin, poor little broken Jongin. Onstage, he is Kai, the amazing Kai who can do anything and everything with a heavenly body that feels music the way one feels the warmth of their lover. Deeply, intensely, passionately, _lovingly._   

The music starts, and Jongin doesn't just feel it. He _experiences_ it, it fills him, washes out all that was him and replaces him with a groove and rhythm that moves him against his will, but there's no difference between the music and him now. They are one. They are Kai.

In the corner of his eye, he sees Hoseok lost in the eyes of his boyfriend. Hoseok dances as he should, but he is connected to Taehyung, not to the music. Jongin feels a pang in his chest as he remembers when that was him, before Kai existed and he only danced for one other person. Now he is selfish and dances for himself, dances to clean the dirtied, shattered pieces of Kim Jongin that have no place on the stage and in the public anymore.

Suddenly, Kai disappears. The song is still playing; the crowd still wild, but Kai has just up and left and Jongin is on stage and he is a mess. He's on the ground, the cold hard floor of the stage, before he can realize it. He tries to lift himself up by his hands, tries to call for Kai to come back, but all that comes out is an agonizing cry of pain. 

The music is still playing, but Jongin can't hear it over the knives in his legs. He feels Hoseok's hand on his shoulder, shaking him, asking what's wrong, but Jongin can't see him, can't hear him anymore. Hoseok's voice is muddled with murmurs of confusion among the crowds, Jongin feels the ground leave his side as his dancers hoist him into the air, taking him backstage.

Hoseok makes a loud, harrowing apology to the audience before scurrying back into Jongin's line of sight. He's bouncing up and down in his dancers' arms and it's so uncomfortable, but he is too weak to shift his weight or even ask them to be gentler. Hoseok realizes this and takes him from the dancers, asking him how he is, if he can talk, if he can stay awake just a little bit longer so that the ambulance can come and pick him up; Jongin can't answer a single question and he feels so guilty.

The guilt is a passing feeling. The pain comes in waves, just like emotions, just like in the movies. Jongin lets out another guttural cry and gives up. He closes his eyes, even though Hoseok keeps asking him not to. _If you close your eyes, you might never wake up. If you close your eyes, you'll die._

The last thing Jongin hears before he drifts into the void are Hoseok's worried screams.


	3. Chapter 3

Jongin wishes he hadn't woken up. He wished that he'd died when he closed his eyes, just like Hoseok had said.

Jongin is awake, but it's torture to open his eyes. He feels numb all over, and his eyes feel glued together. After an eternity, he forces himself to, but only because his breath is so stale that it hurts to breathe. 

He's in a hospital room. He's been in them a lot; dancing brings about a lot of injuries, especially back when he was young. He wants to smile at the old memories, his childish self attempting complicated moves that he could now achieve with ease.

 No one else is in the room, but Jongin still feels a need to move. That's the Kai in him; the dancer that always has to be moving, to feel the consuming rhythm of nature. Jongin puts his hand down and props himself up, but his hands are too weak and he collapses back on them.

Jongin groans quietly, his hands throbbing beneath his limp body. He's been injured many times, and he's felt this weak many times after dance practices. Despite the familiarity, the sensation was painful; it was always painful to be unable to move. Jongin hoped his body would awake from its stupor ere long.

Jongin stares at the white ceiling, eyes tracing circles in a vain effort generate activity in his body. The circles are never-ending. They get bigger and bigger, then smaller and smaller, pulsating and fading and growing back into formation. It's hypnotic, and the longer Jongin does it, the deeper he falls into its lure.

The circles are calm, steady, curving lines that embody tranquility. They embody Jongin is not. Everything he had, but lost. It hurts to remember, to be reminded. His heart is tortured and torn, all things he thought his heart had ceased to feel. In this moment of terminating weakness, his heart becomes as malleable as molten gold. 

He can't take it.

He closes his eyes, just like Hoseok told him not to. He's right in between the folds of consciousness, not quite asleep, but not quite awake enough to notice when the doctor walks in, shaking his head, and Hoseok's suppressed sobs sundered by the closure of the door.


	4. Chapter 4

_"Jongin, calm down. I need you to relax."_

Whose voice is this? This beautiful voice. Gentle, impassive. A deep, placid voice like honey that runs through you and fills you with emotion. Right now, the voice is hushed yet mildly tense, and it melts through Jongin like a drug.

" _Jongin, I know this means a lot to you. But you're abusing your body by working so hard. You need to stop practicing so that you'll be ready."_

Jongin knows this voice. He knows the disappointment in it, too. He knows that torturous guilt of knowing he is the reason for the tension running its restraint thin. He knows the vow he made, to never make this voice speak in that tone to him again.

" _Come. Come on. Let's go get some food. What are you in the mood for?" A small, soft hand reaches down and Jongin takes it. It is the softest, most delicate thing Jongin has ever felt. But it is strong. It pulls him up to his feet, his aching, miserable feet._

Is Jongin going to wake up soon? He's starting to come to his senses. He's starting to realize where this psuedo-dream is going.

_"Just fried chicken? I should have known." A smile unfolds, and Jongin tries to smile back. His body aches so much, it looks like he's wincing._

Jongin needs to wake up. 

_"I'll pay for it. You should take a shower first, freshen up a little." The hand lets go of Jongin and reaches to his chest, brushing his dirty clothes and fanning the sweaty cloth. Jongin looks up. He looks up, past that heart-shaped smile, past that wide, pumpkin nose, and finds them. What are they? Mirrors, doorways, portals? Deep, undulating orbs that absorb every emotion that Jongin feels and spits them out after magnifying them a thousand times? Oh, his eyes. His beautiful-_

Jongin's eyes flash open, startling the nurse obediently taking his pulse at his bedside. 

"Oh, you're awake," she stutters out, and gets up to call the doctor back to his room. It's silent on the other side of the door, but Jongin can see silhouettes of many people as the nurse opens the door. Fans, maybe?

Jongin lets out a deep, guttural groan. He needs to start listening to Hoseok.


End file.
